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Saturday, 7 January 2017

Valentine's Day For Singles

Valentine's Day For Singles

There are plenty of things you can do to reclaim Valentine's Day for your wonderful, single self. Following are some suggestions for making the day a more equal-opportunity holiday. The best part is that - although any number of cool single friends can join you in these efforts - most of these activities are fun to do all by yourself.

• Take your dog for a walk on a busy downtown street. Every time Fido stops to do his business, reward him with a rousing chorus of "My Funny Valentine."

• Fake a seizure every time you hear a Celine Dion song. (Actually, this is an appropriate reaction any time of year.)

• Is there a couple in your life who particularly annoy you? Find out what romantic spot they're going to for Valentine's Day, and wait for them there on the big night. When they arrive, say shyly, "I've always loved you both, and I think it's time the three of us... uhh... take our relationship to the next level." Smile and display a hotel room key.

• Travel to the Vatican and demand to meet with the Pope. Inform him that his pal, St. Valentine, is encouraging the human race to take part in the seven deadly sins, especially Gluttony (gorging oneself on chocolate and candy hearts) and Lust (buying billions of dollars worth of Victoria's Secret products.)

• Call the Victoria's Secret company. When a customer service representative asks "Can I help you?" say "Yeah. What the hell is her secret, anyway?" (This does not have a lot to do with Valentine's Day, but would no doubt be great fun.)

• Take over a local radio station and play "Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover" for 24 hours, with no commercial breaks.

• Ladies: Has your former flame forsaken you for another? Call your ex and ask, in a deep voice, to speak to his new love interest. When he says she isn't there, respond with "Dammit! This is her pimp. She was supposed to be on the street an hour ago."

• Show up at a club in The Block wearing nothing but a G-string that resembles a Pocket Protector. When someone asks, wink and then say, "I'm from Hopkins. I'll be your entertainment this Valentine's evening."

• Climb to the top of the Gilman clock tower (the tallest and most handsome structure on campus) with a bullhorn. Point to a random person on the quad and shout "You! Yeah, you! If you don't go out with me tonight, I'm gonna jump!"

• Guys: Find an attractive female friend and take her out to a nice restaurant. Put on your best public display of affection and stare longingly into her eyes. About halfway through the meal, sigh and say loudly (in a thick backwoods twang), "I sure do love you, Sis."

• If none of these suggestions appeal to you, don't despair. In exchange for enduring Valentine's Day, single people get a wonderful reward - on February 15, all the yummy candy you could ever dream of is on sale for half-price. See, life is fair, after all!


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